Fat!!!!!

People call being "fat" a condition. You know, like it's genetic, which it is or at least it can be. The fat gene is passed down from a parent to you and BOOM, blubber! And right as swimming season is starting up. What makes being fat a unique condition is that it is socially acceptable while at the same time being visually grotesque. Depending on the heaviness of the individual, it can be downright fucking nasty. Other conditions are not socially acceptable. Things like CP or Down Syndrome. We treat people with these conditions like they are the actual conditions themselves. You don't do that to fat people. You'd be considered and ass it every time you saw a fatty you handed them a sugar cube. Sure they want the sugar cube, but they're insulted that you assumed they wanted it.

It is also called an addiction, like people who are hooked on cigarettes or black tar heroine. Being fat also has it's advantages here. When somebody is hooked on crack, people who aren't hooked look down on them and give disgusted looks to their face. A fat person gets looks of sadness or sympathy at the very, very most. If you're super skinny and malnourished from all the drugs you been snorting then people do look at your physical appearance in a different way, but if you're fat then most people don't notice you or don't care to notice you.

I know all of this because...I'm fat. I know, I know, my story is truly inspiring. It has all the makings of an Oprah special. However, I'm not here to toot my own horn (What a strange expression, why the hell would you ever toot somebody else's horn? You dont know where that horn has been!) I'm here to tell you what I plan on doing about it. I'm going to get fit! That's right, in six months expect to see a new me. When I'm fit, you know what I'm going to do? Treat fat people the way we should all be treated, telling them how sick they make me! That's right, I'll admit it. Every time I see a fat guy shove another slice of stuffed crust in that big maw of his, I want to say, "Really? Six slices? Are you having an eating contest with yourself?" I never get to this point though, I always turn away from the mirror before I can say anything.

So next time you see a fatty, remind them that they're fat. It will serve as motivation to get fit. Or they'll kill themselves....not the ideal situation but hey, less fat people! Follow me, I know best. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a slice of cheescake....want some?

I know it's lame, but...

I've kinda wanted to do this for some, so please indulge me.

I'm Sick:

I'm sick of all the fuckers tryin' to be bigger then me,
Alpha male masks worn by assholes who got their confidence for free.
I'm not the strongest, smartest, or funniest but please,
Stop competing with me so I can get some peace.

I'm sick of people who think they invented morality,
Telling me to shift my beliefs 180 degrees evangelically.
High school educated prophets claiming 2009 looks like 1984,
Claiming times are more horrible then we've ever seen before.

I'm sick of parents, you know just in general,
Moms and Dads who get parenting tips from the Oprah channel.
Their kids are spoiled, stupid, and stoned,
Blame on our head is whats heard when we're phoned.

I'm sick of feeling fucking sick,
My days reduced to watching clocks go tick.
Second guessing how I look going out the door,
Feeling like I'll be judged based on suburban tabloid folklore.

Now here comes the twist and a change of tone,
These are some of the glowing things my eyes have been shown.
People with full families adopting autistic kids,
Others standing up for others and taking parents hits.

I smile at a person who dares to show respect,
Even when among their friends this attitude will make them suspect.
I'm amazed at people who'll sit down and just talk,
Rather then stand up with a megaphone on their soapbox.

Despite all the bad I dare to have hope,
And even if I'm wrong, I'll dare to cope.
Instead of gathering around the camp fire and complaining,
I'll roll with the punches and help do something amazing.

If you read this, thanks. If this does not interest you at all, then don't worry. Soon I'll be doing a blog about fat people.

Stupid Old Lady!!!

I drive by this old lady a couple of times a week. (Not this old lady that's pictured, but a similar old lady). She religiously spends her free time sweeping up the sidewalk in front of her house and down the street. My Dad always says how he has a soft spot in his heart for old ladies who sweep the street. I've also heard similar notions from other people I've met. Well I don't have a soft spot for these old ladies!

Why are we encouraging this? The lady I see always seems like she's just a stone's throw away from the icy cold hand of death, so why the hell is her family letting her waste what little time she has left on the planet doing this meaningless task?! Some would say that it's what she does, what she always done...so what? Get her to stop. If there's an old lady in your family do this then do them a favor, take them out to see the world.

Take them to a museum so they can see their old friends. Go to a ball game and let them tell you about how they always wanted to sleep with Dimaggio (Who didn't?) Do something to fill their lives with something other then a damn stupid task like sweeping the sidewalk.

Knock it off! Clowns are NOT scary!

Okay, enough is enough! Clowns are NOT scary in any way shape or form. Look at these guys, they just want to make you laugh. You're not afraid of laughter are you? When did this whole obsession over clown fear start? It's all completely unwarranted.

Oh wait, there was John Wayne Gacey. Okay, so that's just ONE case of a murderous, phsychotic clown man. I dare you to find a second one.

I have heard some people say that they are scared of clowns because of the movie "It". Sorry, that's not a good enough excuse. If you remember, most of thoes kids died because they were too stupid to either run away for just punch the asshole in the face. Why has nobody ever done that in these movies? He doesn't seem that strong. I mean, he has to pick on kids for crying out loud.

You know, I was once scared of ghosts when I was a kid. Sixth Sense sacred the shit out of me. You know how I got over it? I turned 13! After that, ghosts didn't bother me. I thought, "A ghost is a dead person, what the hell can a dead person do to me?" Seriously! "Boo! I'm a ghost!" "That's great, now can you get out of the way of the god dammed TV!"

ICP isnt even scary and their whole thing is that they are "Mudering, Pshychopathic, Gangster Clowns"! When you can't even come off as scary after all of that, then it's time to call it a career. All I can think of is that if I saw a killer clown coming at me in a dark alley...well, actually he might kill me because I'd be laughing too hard at the image of a sad middle-aged man (covered in make up and wearing big floopy shoes) coming at me with a knife. But I wouldn't be frightend.

Top 5 questions of the week.

1. How come when somebody says, "We're at a crossroads in our lives...", neither option ever turn out to be a good one? It's never, "Down one path is disgustingly huge piles of money and the other path is even more disgustingly huge piles of money." It's always, "Down this path you can keep you penis and down the other path you can keep your arms, hands, and eyes."

2. During the 40 day period of Lent, can somebody decide to give up their love for Jesus? If he's a big part of their lives then it would be a huge sacrifice. I don't mean to offend, I just want to be clear on the rules.

3. Is anybody else worried that George W. is nowhere to be seen? Doesn't it make you think he's up to something?

4. Can we all agree that Dane Cook really isn't all that funny, yet we'd all love to just be his friend? He seems like he'd be fun to hang out with.

5. Don't you feel like it's a little sad when somebody says they love to listen to Dance and Techno music while they're at work. Especially if their job consists of staring at a computer monitor all day?

We need your records for 2 years! Why?....Um...because we're the government!

A Bill is making it's way to through the Senate. The Bill would preserve internet records to be kept by ISP's for 2 years. Also, this wouldn't just be for your home ISP's, this is for any Wi-Fi hot spot, coffee shop, or anywhere there's a signal. It's being proposed by the Republicans in the Senate and nobody else. Why? Well, this Bill would mean that ALL of our private data (Purcheses, emails, and the like) would be on servers during that whole time. They want all of this data saved to aid police investiagtions in child pornography cases (More likely to spy on people who are suspected terrorists, but you probably already guess that).

The Bill sounds fine on the surface level only. The dowside to this Bill is that it leaves all of our info in places that can be accessed by hackers. It's happened plenty of times before, at colleges and even some big corperations. Or somebody who has access to servers like these (Probably hundreds and thousands of people in the U.S. alone) can decide to find for data and sell it to identity theives. Or steal your data for themselves. The other big problem is that it's far too expansive. I mean coffee shops? Who's downloading porn at coffee shops? If your in a coffee shop and you see somebody downloading child porn, do the police need anything more then eye witness acounts and, oh I don't know, THE COMPUTER the suspect was using? Wouldn't that be slam dunk enough?

What these Republicans fail to understand is that the soultion to the problem isn't spying on everybody to catch a couple of bad guys. The soultion is in regulating search engines and P2P networks. If you design a service like Google or Bittorrent to not recognize certain search terms, like child pornography, then how would anybody be able to find it? If you put way more time into pervention and blocking the material, then it has a harder time getting out there. But no, as always the Republican solution (Pardon me, the American solution) is to spy on all of you little pricks out there. It all goes back to my earlier blog, more focus on crime prevention and less on crime punishment.

My movie pitch of the week!

Tag Bigbeef in: The Curse of Blood Mountain!

Tagline: The Danger might be big, but Tag is Bigbeef!

Plot: Tag Bigbeef is just your every day scientist. He does very sciencey things, like go to lavish parties, sleep with beautiful Russian spies, and develop lazer guns that only blast people worth shooting at. You know, every day science guy stuff. Until one day his old Army Commander, Ryan Von Prickster, calls for Bigbeef's services to help him locate a missing jem long thought lost in the jungles near Blood Mountain.

At first, Bigbeef denies the request of Von Prickster, "Sorry Commander, but I'm retriered." "Not anymore you're not!" Von Prickster replys. So Bigbeef is forced to do the one thing he swore to never do again, explore exotic locals in the hopes of finding lost treasure. Along the way he meets Eloies Ferma Sandera Vasquez (the lovely but icey cold weapons specialist), Trent (Combat Vet), Dr. Ellis (A scientist who is a little socially removed) and Devon (Another scientist like Tag, only he has something to prove!).

They travel through the jungels and do battle with the lost Wombatti tribe and twenty foot tall mutant tigers! Finally they reach Blood Mountain, only to discover that Von Prickster is there waiting for them. "Why did you send us here when you could get here yourself?"asks Tag. "It was the perfect plan, I have you lead me to Blood Mountain and take the jem for myself! Ha Ha Ha!"....After a moment, Tag asks, "Okay...still, why didn't you just come here and take it yourself?" This question takes Von Prickster offguard, "Well...I...look the point is, I have my jem and now you will all die!" The group then battels for their lives against Von Prickster's troops of Robot Alagators, then Tag...then...look I'll be honest, I haven't really thought this part of the story out yet.

Tag somehow saves the day. How? I don't know. He uses his cool science biceps in some way. Well, that's my pitch. No matter how it turns out, it will be a 1000 times more entertaining then any of thoes stupid National Treasure movies. (I went into the first one thinking it was National Lampoon's "Treasure". Imagine my dissapointment.)

P.S. Also, I forgot, Tag has a bionic leg! That's important latter on in the movie.