Fat!!!!!

People call being "fat" a condition. You know, like it's genetic, which it is or at least it can be. The fat gene is passed down from a parent to you and BOOM, blubber! And right as swimming season is starting up. What makes being fat a unique condition is that it is socially acceptable while at the same time being visually grotesque. Depending on the heaviness of the individual, it can be downright fucking nasty. Other conditions are not socially acceptable. Things like CP or Down Syndrome. We treat people with these conditions like they are the actual conditions themselves. You don't do that to fat people. You'd be considered and ass it every time you saw a fatty you handed them a sugar cube. Sure they want the sugar cube, but they're insulted that you assumed they wanted it.

It is also called an addiction, like people who are hooked on cigarettes or black tar heroine. Being fat also has it's advantages here. When somebody is hooked on crack, people who aren't hooked look down on them and give disgusted looks to their face. A fat person gets looks of sadness or sympathy at the very, very most. If you're super skinny and malnourished from all the drugs you been snorting then people do look at your physical appearance in a different way, but if you're fat then most people don't notice you or don't care to notice you.

I know all of this because...I'm fat. I know, I know, my story is truly inspiring. It has all the makings of an Oprah special. However, I'm not here to toot my own horn (What a strange expression, why the hell would you ever toot somebody else's horn? You dont know where that horn has been!) I'm here to tell you what I plan on doing about it. I'm going to get fit! That's right, in six months expect to see a new me. When I'm fit, you know what I'm going to do? Treat fat people the way we should all be treated, telling them how sick they make me! That's right, I'll admit it. Every time I see a fat guy shove another slice of stuffed crust in that big maw of his, I want to say, "Really? Six slices? Are you having an eating contest with yourself?" I never get to this point though, I always turn away from the mirror before I can say anything.

So next time you see a fatty, remind them that they're fat. It will serve as motivation to get fit. Or they'll kill themselves....not the ideal situation but hey, less fat people! Follow me, I know best. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a slice of cheescake....want some?

I know it's lame, but...

I've kinda wanted to do this for some, so please indulge me.

I'm Sick:

I'm sick of all the fuckers tryin' to be bigger then me,
Alpha male masks worn by assholes who got their confidence for free.
I'm not the strongest, smartest, or funniest but please,
Stop competing with me so I can get some peace.

I'm sick of people who think they invented morality,
Telling me to shift my beliefs 180 degrees evangelically.
High school educated prophets claiming 2009 looks like 1984,
Claiming times are more horrible then we've ever seen before.

I'm sick of parents, you know just in general,
Moms and Dads who get parenting tips from the Oprah channel.
Their kids are spoiled, stupid, and stoned,
Blame on our head is whats heard when we're phoned.

I'm sick of feeling fucking sick,
My days reduced to watching clocks go tick.
Second guessing how I look going out the door,
Feeling like I'll be judged based on suburban tabloid folklore.

Now here comes the twist and a change of tone,
These are some of the glowing things my eyes have been shown.
People with full families adopting autistic kids,
Others standing up for others and taking parents hits.

I smile at a person who dares to show respect,
Even when among their friends this attitude will make them suspect.
I'm amazed at people who'll sit down and just talk,
Rather then stand up with a megaphone on their soapbox.

Despite all the bad I dare to have hope,
And even if I'm wrong, I'll dare to cope.
Instead of gathering around the camp fire and complaining,
I'll roll with the punches and help do something amazing.

If you read this, thanks. If this does not interest you at all, then don't worry. Soon I'll be doing a blog about fat people.

Stupid Old Lady!!!

I drive by this old lady a couple of times a week. (Not this old lady that's pictured, but a similar old lady). She religiously spends her free time sweeping up the sidewalk in front of her house and down the street. My Dad always says how he has a soft spot in his heart for old ladies who sweep the street. I've also heard similar notions from other people I've met. Well I don't have a soft spot for these old ladies!

Why are we encouraging this? The lady I see always seems like she's just a stone's throw away from the icy cold hand of death, so why the hell is her family letting her waste what little time she has left on the planet doing this meaningless task?! Some would say that it's what she does, what she always done...so what? Get her to stop. If there's an old lady in your family do this then do them a favor, take them out to see the world.

Take them to a museum so they can see their old friends. Go to a ball game and let them tell you about how they always wanted to sleep with Dimaggio (Who didn't?) Do something to fill their lives with something other then a damn stupid task like sweeping the sidewalk.

Knock it off! Clowns are NOT scary!

Okay, enough is enough! Clowns are NOT scary in any way shape or form. Look at these guys, they just want to make you laugh. You're not afraid of laughter are you? When did this whole obsession over clown fear start? It's all completely unwarranted.

Oh wait, there was John Wayne Gacey. Okay, so that's just ONE case of a murderous, phsychotic clown man. I dare you to find a second one.

I have heard some people say that they are scared of clowns because of the movie "It". Sorry, that's not a good enough excuse. If you remember, most of thoes kids died because they were too stupid to either run away for just punch the asshole in the face. Why has nobody ever done that in these movies? He doesn't seem that strong. I mean, he has to pick on kids for crying out loud.

You know, I was once scared of ghosts when I was a kid. Sixth Sense sacred the shit out of me. You know how I got over it? I turned 13! After that, ghosts didn't bother me. I thought, "A ghost is a dead person, what the hell can a dead person do to me?" Seriously! "Boo! I'm a ghost!" "That's great, now can you get out of the way of the god dammed TV!"

ICP isnt even scary and their whole thing is that they are "Mudering, Pshychopathic, Gangster Clowns"! When you can't even come off as scary after all of that, then it's time to call it a career. All I can think of is that if I saw a killer clown coming at me in a dark alley...well, actually he might kill me because I'd be laughing too hard at the image of a sad middle-aged man (covered in make up and wearing big floopy shoes) coming at me with a knife. But I wouldn't be frightend.

Top 5 questions of the week.

1. How come when somebody says, "We're at a crossroads in our lives...", neither option ever turn out to be a good one? It's never, "Down one path is disgustingly huge piles of money and the other path is even more disgustingly huge piles of money." It's always, "Down this path you can keep you penis and down the other path you can keep your arms, hands, and eyes."

2. During the 40 day period of Lent, can somebody decide to give up their love for Jesus? If he's a big part of their lives then it would be a huge sacrifice. I don't mean to offend, I just want to be clear on the rules.

3. Is anybody else worried that George W. is nowhere to be seen? Doesn't it make you think he's up to something?

4. Can we all agree that Dane Cook really isn't all that funny, yet we'd all love to just be his friend? He seems like he'd be fun to hang out with.

5. Don't you feel like it's a little sad when somebody says they love to listen to Dance and Techno music while they're at work. Especially if their job consists of staring at a computer monitor all day?

We need your records for 2 years! Why?....Um...because we're the government!

A Bill is making it's way to through the Senate. The Bill would preserve internet records to be kept by ISP's for 2 years. Also, this wouldn't just be for your home ISP's, this is for any Wi-Fi hot spot, coffee shop, or anywhere there's a signal. It's being proposed by the Republicans in the Senate and nobody else. Why? Well, this Bill would mean that ALL of our private data (Purcheses, emails, and the like) would be on servers during that whole time. They want all of this data saved to aid police investiagtions in child pornography cases (More likely to spy on people who are suspected terrorists, but you probably already guess that).

The Bill sounds fine on the surface level only. The dowside to this Bill is that it leaves all of our info in places that can be accessed by hackers. It's happened plenty of times before, at colleges and even some big corperations. Or somebody who has access to servers like these (Probably hundreds and thousands of people in the U.S. alone) can decide to find for data and sell it to identity theives. Or steal your data for themselves. The other big problem is that it's far too expansive. I mean coffee shops? Who's downloading porn at coffee shops? If your in a coffee shop and you see somebody downloading child porn, do the police need anything more then eye witness acounts and, oh I don't know, THE COMPUTER the suspect was using? Wouldn't that be slam dunk enough?

What these Republicans fail to understand is that the soultion to the problem isn't spying on everybody to catch a couple of bad guys. The soultion is in regulating search engines and P2P networks. If you design a service like Google or Bittorrent to not recognize certain search terms, like child pornography, then how would anybody be able to find it? If you put way more time into pervention and blocking the material, then it has a harder time getting out there. But no, as always the Republican solution (Pardon me, the American solution) is to spy on all of you little pricks out there. It all goes back to my earlier blog, more focus on crime prevention and less on crime punishment.

My movie pitch of the week!

Tag Bigbeef in: The Curse of Blood Mountain!

Tagline: The Danger might be big, but Tag is Bigbeef!

Plot: Tag Bigbeef is just your every day scientist. He does very sciencey things, like go to lavish parties, sleep with beautiful Russian spies, and develop lazer guns that only blast people worth shooting at. You know, every day science guy stuff. Until one day his old Army Commander, Ryan Von Prickster, calls for Bigbeef's services to help him locate a missing jem long thought lost in the jungles near Blood Mountain.

At first, Bigbeef denies the request of Von Prickster, "Sorry Commander, but I'm retriered." "Not anymore you're not!" Von Prickster replys. So Bigbeef is forced to do the one thing he swore to never do again, explore exotic locals in the hopes of finding lost treasure. Along the way he meets Eloies Ferma Sandera Vasquez (the lovely but icey cold weapons specialist), Trent (Combat Vet), Dr. Ellis (A scientist who is a little socially removed) and Devon (Another scientist like Tag, only he has something to prove!).

They travel through the jungels and do battle with the lost Wombatti tribe and twenty foot tall mutant tigers! Finally they reach Blood Mountain, only to discover that Von Prickster is there waiting for them. "Why did you send us here when you could get here yourself?"asks Tag. "It was the perfect plan, I have you lead me to Blood Mountain and take the jem for myself! Ha Ha Ha!"....After a moment, Tag asks, "Okay...still, why didn't you just come here and take it yourself?" This question takes Von Prickster offguard, "Well...I...look the point is, I have my jem and now you will all die!" The group then battels for their lives against Von Prickster's troops of Robot Alagators, then Tag...then...look I'll be honest, I haven't really thought this part of the story out yet.

Tag somehow saves the day. How? I don't know. He uses his cool science biceps in some way. Well, that's my pitch. No matter how it turns out, it will be a 1000 times more entertaining then any of thoes stupid National Treasure movies. (I went into the first one thinking it was National Lampoon's "Treasure". Imagine my dissapointment.)

P.S. Also, I forgot, Tag has a bionic leg! That's important latter on in the movie.

How to vent?

When I go through hard times (like I am now), it's hard for me to figure out the right way to vent my anger. I have heard of people having to punch pillows, scream at the top of their lungs, or some people drink. My problem is I don't know what option would best suit me.

Let's star with punching a pillow. This sounds perfectly fine. It allows me to be violent and yet hurt nobody at the same time. Actually now that I think about it, this process already has a problem. Nobody gets hurt. If I'm going to punch something then I want the punch to connect with something. Pillows leave no indication of any damage being done to it at all. I want something to be damaged! I'm in a bad mood! Maybe there's a marketing opportunity here? Breakable pillows! Pillows made specifically for people who need to take out their aggression. Nah, that will never work. Then you'd get the idiots who buy breakable pillows on accident and start sending them back and creating all kinds of restocking problems. Then I'd get frustrated and start breaking the breakable pillows I have in my warehouse and that would cause inventory inaccuracies. It's just a bad system all together. Who the hell though of this stupid "Breakable Pillow" idea?

Anyway, I could always try drinking. That could work. It's easy enough to get some booze. But that can lead to health problem. What is my liver goes bad? I now have hospital fees and medication! I already hate going to hospitals, so this won't help any. Besides, it's my liver! That's important. I mean I only have two. (Or is it kidneys? I always get those mixed up...oh god I hope it's not kidneys...) So now I have to get a replacement liver. Where do I get one of those? I'm 90% sure they don't sell anything like that at Wal-Mart. So this is no good.

And let's face it, screaming is just stupid. All is does is piss off the neighbors and not to mention you just look fucking goofy. Screaming is just one of those things that is best done in someone's face. Somebody who deserves it. Like the lady at the DMV who's giving you an attitude, like you're wasting her time. (Oh, sorry I asked you to do your job, how ridiculous of me.)

So I'm stuck. How do I get out my aggression? This is one that I don't have an answer for just yet. No clever ending, no witty lines, just a question. What do I do?

Quotations...

Have you ever gotten a card from somebody for say Christmas or a Birthday and the card envelope has your name with quotes around it? Like for example, "Jimmy" or "Sarah". Why the quotes? Is there a doubt as to who I really am? If the person doesn't really know me that well then why send a card at all?

Perhaps it's to avoid confusion with another Will. Like, "To us you're Will, but that guy over there is 'Will'." Like he would be a sort of "Dark Will". A Will that fought in 'Nam. That Will saw some intense action and to this day he can't talk about it. He can't relive the memories of seeing good old Frankie and Dan "Ferret" Stevens (The troop's combat Vet) get shot in the back by Charlie and left for dead in the swamps. That Will has ghost haunting him to this day. He's a Will in name only, because deep down he's not a person anymore, just a walking, talking hunk of meat who's number hasn't come up yet.

But that can't be it! No, then the person would write "Will 2" or put the first letter of his last name on the envelope. (Which is Will T. in case you were wondering). It has to be something else. Maybe it's their way of trying to be cute. They know that at least I'm a guy and I wouldn't want any hearts over the letter i or have my name written in pink. They want their letter to stand out and not seem so cold and lifeless. They want me to know that we're on friendly terms. Little did they know that their concern has only backfired! Now, not only do I believe that we're NOT on friendly terms because they feel the need to reinforce it on the envelop, but I'm a GUY and any attempt to make an envelop "cute" will only anger the inner MAN BEAST hiding deep within my soul.

That's probably not it either. It's most likely that they put no thought into it at all. They just wrote it without thinking. Their only thought was, "Okay, write his name on the envelop and mail it." Well if that's the case then I don't want a card from you in the first place. Why would I want to receive a letter in the mail from somebody who didn't put much thought into getting me the damn thing. When I send a card it's for a good reason. It's important, it means something, it's a form of communication and I spend at least a little while making sure I say the right thing. What if I send a card to someone and they read it and think, "That's it? That's all he wrote? Well I'm tossing this."? That's a lot of pressure on me.

So please, next time you send a card to somebody, don't do it out of a sense of obligation or out of some knee-jerk reaction. Do it because it means something. Unless there is reason to doubt the identity of the person you're sending the card too. Then by all means, add the quotes.

The Law is the Law!

People use this phrase all of the time. The law is the law, no exceptions! However, we (myself included) tend to use this phrase when it's applied to something we like. For example, saying "In my opinion, God is a Faggot!" is protected by our freedom of speech. Or telling McDonald's to write HOT on the side of their coffee because otherwise we'd have no idea. These are times when the law can be used to our advantage.

But what about when the law is applied, nay twisted, into something we don't like. Take O.J. Simpson for example. He is on trial for murder, then is found not guilty despite the seemingly overwhelming evidence to the contrary. He's released into the world a free man, only now wherever he goes he has a thought in the back of his head, "All of these people around me think I killed my ex-wife and Ron...Ron...what's his name?" (I don't know if O.J. didn't know Ron Goldman's last name, but he does seem like the type of guy to murder someone without really knowing the man.) He forever has the shadow of doubt cast upon him. He can't make any money, his dating life is incredibly more difficult, and even though a U.S. court found him innocent nobody else believes his story. (I'm 100% positive he did those two by the way) But do you see? By law he's innocent, but that's not how society treated him.

Another point, I went over to CNN.com the other day and found a great example of how the law works in our favor. A police department was forcing a Sex Offender to move out of his home so that he wouldn't violate the "At least 1000 yards away from a school" rule. Fantastic! Until I heard more about the man. See, he's bedridden. Dieing. He can't move without the aid of a walker, and even then it's not like he can run. He lives with his sister and her husband and they take care of him. So I started thinking, "Sure he's a perverted old man, but at what point are we all just beating up a perverted old man?" Let's face it, if you believe your kids would be in danger because if this man, then you need to take the kids to the park and spend a day teaching how to walk at a "brisk" pace. And during the video I saw a few interviews with the locals and I heard that phrase, "The law is the law". One lady said, "It don't matter if he's ill, he still has those urges and desires, so he should leave." Really? You know every once in a while I have the urge to drive over to Fox News Channel and smash Sean Hannities head in with a mallet, but I don't have the gas money or the resourcesto pin the murder on Alan Colmes. So does that mean if I were to stand trial for Hannitie's murder that I should be banned from cars and mallets forever? (I think I could get off of a murder charge for citing "Justifiable Cause")

Recently a man, who dies in jail years ago, was just found to be Not Guilty of rape and murder. Right now that man is somewhere thinking, "Great timing, assholes!" He had to live the rest of his life knowing that he was innocent, but everybody believed otherwise.

Let's try a scenario, you're 17 and you break into somebody's home and you take all of there liquor. The good stuff too, even the expensive whiskey that's twenty years old. You get caught and spend a couple of years in jail. When you get out you're changed. You don't even like alcohol anymore! But, every job you apply to sees that you've been a...GASP...delinquent!

Or this one. You're mugged! The man takes all the money and valuables you have on you. He gets caught and stands trial. After he serves his sentence, he's a free man, he's payed his debt to society. How do you feel now that he's back on the streets? Should he be watched? Monitored? Should he always have that on his record, possibly forever keeping him from getting a better job? Maybe one that payed him enough so he wouldn't have to resort to mugging?

My feeling about all of this is that the law IS the law, no doubt, but how far do we take that idea? If someone is found innocent of murder, doesn't that mean they didn't murder anyone no matter how much we wanted them to be the killer? And if a person IS found guilty of some crime and serve their sentence, then at what point do we allow them to have a complete "fresh" start and not just a conditional "We'll let you out only if you..."?

Our justice system is based on punishment and by no means do I think that should completely stop. But, after all of these cases of the law both succeeding and failing simultaneously for years now, isn't it time we tried a different approach? How about instead of the slammer for anyone who broke the law just enough to warrant the sentence, why not try and rehabilitate them? Let's take the money being spent on frivolous lawsuits and sending repeat offenders back to jail time and time again, and spend it on helping people who have committed a crime and help them to become productive members of society again? Spend our time and tax money helping those that have broken the law and instead of trying to find the most sever punishment for a crime so that hopefully "those people" will get the idea that they shouldn't break the law. Stop focusing so much on punishing and start focusing on fixing.

Maybe if we try this it might actually work! Maybe if criminals can be helped and return to society with a clean slate, then they'll want to help make it better? Not all, but some. Maybe it will only be 5% of the criminal population, but just imagine 5% more people out there who'll want to help instead of 5% more people who'll still want to mug, steal, and rape.

But no, that will probably never happen. Because some jerk just stole my good liquor! And I want them to throw the book at that asshole!